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Local attorney and columnist worries about weight and face masks

Jul 10, 2020


Goodness, I have tried about every fad. With no luck.

I don't need to get on the bathroom scales each morning. Trying to zip up my pants is a sure-fire indicator.

My standard refrain on the 'how much do you weigh" question is wearing a bit thin--but not my middle! Muscle DOES weigh more than fat, but how much muscle is around my waist?

Shreveport Mayor Perkins and the Caddo Commission have now provided the answer.

Wear a properly fitting mask virtually everywhere.

That means my trips to the convenience store are not as "convenient", much less the grocery store. I mean how long must I try to suck in air through the darned mask while looking for my favorite twinkies and Blue Bell ice cream?

And then if I forget the mask then I am the mercy of the retailer to provide me one. Just hope its clean.

By the way, how often should I clean my mask and what is the proper procedure? I guess once I take it off and it stands up on the counter then SOME healthcare option should be taken?

And no longer can I lunch with my buddies. Unless they sit six feet away.

You can only eat in restaurants with household or residence members. But who is to really know if Herb is really sleeping on my couch?

Yes, the mask can be taken off to actually eat--but not while ordering, chewing the fat before and after the meal — or even in the bathroom stall. Wonder if there will security cameras checking on bathroom mask compliance?

Having a few beers at the neighborhood watering hole after work is really going to be tricky. Six feet social distancing is what I usually incur when trying to hit on a good looking babe, but not drinking with my buddies.

Now, how am I to snack in my office while masked? Or maybe if I have a bag of potato chips open on my desk I am home free--no mask required during the workday.

And now I have a new excuse to skip the house of worship on Sunday. I mean wear a mask at all times while reciting the Apostle's Creed, the Lord's Prayer, and singing "Have Mercy on Me a Sinner" for 45 minutes is a real challenge.

But back to the weight issue.

I have always heard the best way to shed pounds is to take in less calories than you expend.

If I can get my Fitbit watch to measure calorie consumption of looking for my mask, going home to get it after forgetting to put in my pocket, then putting it on and off while going into a store, etc. I should have a new fat-fighting incentive. Plus it may take extra calories breathing through my old tee shirt which can, in an emergency, become a mask.

Maybe I should challenge my crowd to have a "who can wear a mask the longest" contest. That means 24/7 unless actually putting food or booze into your mouth. Maybe that would discourage my intake of calories--or push me to drink more.

Now, where was I? Oh, back to losing weight. As I say, "Muscle weighs more than fat."


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